When Life Gives You Lemons, Make Lemon Bars
by single girl seeks good pizza
Summary: Loki never dreamt of having a ragtag bunch of misfits as his fellow waitstaff. He'd never imagined that he'd have a drunken narcissist yelling at him to "give those girls what they came for." And he certainly never wanted to speak to his loudmouth of a brother ever again, let alone work with him. But of course, desperate times call for desperate measures. AU, surprise pairings.
1. Prologue

**A/N: So a couple weeks ago I found an incredibly awesome fanart by the lovely bluehippopo on deviantart: art/Avengers-CAFE-312137426  
Well I was instantly inspired and yada yada, so no need to thank me. Thank bluehippopo.**

Prologue

A strapping, black-haired twenty-something stood inside a street corner phone booth, barely sheltered against the torrential snowstorm that was Chicago in January. Hands shaking, he pulled his one and only remaining quarter from the recesses of his empty wallet.

Somehow, he managed to slide the coin into the narrow slot, and nestled the handset between his chin and shoulder. Hands free, he pulled a crumpled slip of paper from his pocket. 312-555-5309, it read—a number he hadn't cared to dial in over half a decade. He held his breath as the call went through. It would be a miracle if the person he was trying to reach still lived in that sad excuse for an apartment. It would be an even bigger miracle if that person still cared for his moody misanthrope of a younger brother, adopted no less. But after being fired, dumped, and evicted in the span of two short weeks, the caller was running out of options.

"Hello?" said the booming, all-too-familiar voice of a certain Thor Odinson.

"...Hi Thor, I know this is out of nowhere, but-"

"Loki? You can't... is that really you?"

"No, genius, I'm with the FBI."

A one-man chorus of laughter burst through the pay phone's failing speakers. "Well I'll be damned, it's really Loki Laufeyson! God, I've missed you so much..."

_"Two minutes remaining,"_ the operator announced.

Loki sighed, remembering why he'd left his family alone for over five years. "Look, I know you're happy, but I'm on a pay phone and-"

"It's been too long, little bro. How've you been, and tell me _everything!"_

_"One minute remaining."_

"Okay Thor, I've got to make this brief. I... need your help."

Silence.

"Okay. I'll meet you at the Pier in an hour," the blonde said.

Loki nodded, despite knowing his brother couldn't see it. "Sure."

"... I'm glad to have you back, bro."

The younger sibling opened his mouth to speak, when he was cut off.

_"Call time expired. Please hang up or insert another coin."_

Loki stood frozen for a moment, then hung the phone on its rack. And with that, he slid out of the booth to brave the elements once more.


	2. Chapter 1

**A/N: So I actually wrote the prologue about a week ago and originally put it on tumblr, so that explains the inhumanly fast update. But I've got a surprise for you at the end, so hold onto your skins.**

Chapter One

Thor shifted in his seat anxiously. His plan "Give-Loki-a-Job-at-the-Cafe-and-Then-Tell-Boss-the-Good-News" wasn't going so well. What started as an exchange of excited high-fives between a pair of brothers ended in a one-on-one chewing out session in the office of a certain Tony Stark—owner of the Avengers Bar and Bistro Cafe, and notorious hard-ass.

"So... you basically promised the job to a random guy off the street," he said flatly.

Thor shook his head. "No, it's not like that at all! Loki's my _brother,_ for crying out loud!"

Tony raised an eyebrow. "Who you haven't spoken to since you were in high school," he retorted, swirling an unusually large screwdriver cocktail in one hand, feet propped up on his desk.

The towering blonde let out a sigh. "That's true, as depressing as it is. But I still trust him more than anyone else in the world.

"Thor, you trust everyone."

"That is not true! My trust is valuable and takes years to earn!" Thor scoffed.

His boss took a swig of his orange juice-and-vodka concoction. "You trusted that bum to give your shoes back."

He pouted. "I didn't know he would just run off with them..."

Tony rolled his eyes and dumped another shot's worth of Sobieski into his drink and said, "Anyway, the answer is still no."

The door crept open, and Bruce Banner entered the boss' lair, stack of papers in hand.

Thor seized the opportunity. "Bruce? Bruce? Bruce? Bruce?" he babbled, latching onto the man's scrawny frame.

"...What?"

"Tony won't let my brother have the job," he whined.

Bruce looked down at the blonde chef's pleading eyes, and over to his partner's drunken, spaced-out ones. "Tony?"

"Yeah?"

"Is there any good reason not to hire this guy Thor's talking about?"

"Let's see..." Tony dug around in the chaotic mess that was his desk drawer, and finally produced an inch-thick stack of files. "Thirty-seven other applicants for the same job, and one of them might not be a _complete_ dipshit."

Bruce hesitated for a moment. "Touché..."

Thor's face fell, hopes and dreams shattered.

"...Fine, at the very least we'll look at his resume," Tony said, tossing Loki's file in with the rest.

Thor stood up with a smile on face.

"And by that he means _really_ look and not throw it to the side because he has a funny name, isn't that right Tony?" Bruce said, looking over his shoulder to throw his partner a teasing glance.

Tony said nothing, already engrossed in one of his many desk toys.

"Now go on and make the customers some cheesecake like we pay you to," the mousy, bespectacled man said, and ushered the "mighty" Thor out into the kitchen.

* * *

"What, did all that spray-tan rot your brain cells?" Loki sneered at the television. _CSI: Miami_ may have been cancelled, but Jersey Shore—a.k.a. his media punching bag—was still running and as sickeningly popular as ever. He cackled to himself, and shoved another fistful of almonds into his mouth.

Thor's studio apartment was half the size of the one Loki had lost, yet easily contained double the filth. As a bonus, it was fully equipped with a springy couch that would become his bedroom, an old fridge that made more noise than a dozen Thors put together, and last but not least, that "fucking toilet" Loki hated for reasons unknown.

In short, the next several months were going to be torture.

"At least I don't have to live with _you_ douchebags," the noirette said to the screen as Dauly P or whoever did something foul.

The door flew open, announcing his brother's return home. "Hey Loki... got bad news."

"Out with it, things can't get any worse as it is."

Thor inhaled slowly. "... You didn't get that job I promised you."

Loki froze. "... You know I thought you were joking for a minute, then I remembered that you can't lie worth a damn."

The blonde gave a silent nod, and flopped down on the couch next to his sibling.

He perked up the instant he looked at the television. "Jersey Shore's on? I love this show!" he exclaimed, and snatched the bowl of almonds out of Loki's grasp.

Loki stared at his so-called brother in disgust. "Thor? I just lost another shred of my respect for you, and I ran out of that ages ago. Congrats, brother, your esteem is in the negatives."

Thor just shushed him.

* * *

Two hours later and Loki wanted to yank his hair out. Just then, the phone let out a shrill ring, and Thor muted the show. "Oh thank you, God..." he muttered.

Thor wasn't so pleased. "Hello? ...Tony, c'mon! You're interrupting Jersey Shore!"

"Tell your brain cells I said 'You're welcome.' But more importantly, why didn't you tell me your brother was _Loki Fucking Laufeyson?"_ Tony barked, the connection barely able to contain the sheer volume of his voice.

"Uh... what?"

"... Thor, if you really live under a rock I'll gladly rent you out an apartment. But, seriously; Loki Laufeyson? Dufflin & Minder's number one paper salesman for the past three years? Any of that ring a bell?"

"... Wait, what's Dufflin & Minder?" Thor uttered.

"Only the second largest paper company in the state right up until they went under. But apparently this Laufeyson guy singlehandedly scored six of their ten biggest clients, including the fucking Chicago Tribune. Real charmer, by the looks of it."

"My brother did all that? He never told me..."

"I'll take a wild guess and say it has something to do with how you actually like Jersey Shore," Tony quipped. "But tell your brother the job's his, and training starts tomorrow." With that, the line went dead.

"Who was that?" Loki called out.

Thor paused as a grin spread across his face. "Loki? About what I said earlier?"

The younger brother turned around and leaned over the back of the alleged sofa. "What? You decided you hated this pathetic excuse for a show and therefore joined the ranks of those with an IQ over 90?"

"Nope, my boss just called. Congrats little bro, you're or new host!"

Though Loki was already getting a migraine at the prospect of working with his loudmouth brother, he couldn't help but feel just the least bit excited.

**A/N: Okay, surprise time! *drumroll* ... to make up for the movie's depressing lack of Spider Man, our lovely Peter Parker will make a number of appearances in the story! *dances*  
****Anyway, cheers, readers.**


End file.
